Nearly everyone wants a secure satisfying romantic relationship, but for some of us it remains an elusive dream. If you find it hard to make a romantic connection with someone new – or find yourself sabotaging every relationship you enter – it’s possible that you have what psychologists call ‘attachment insecurity’.
Attachment insecurity has its roots in your relationship with your primary caregiver(s) during infancy. If your early need for comfort and attention wasn’t met – or was only met intermittently – you are likely to struggle to form secure romantic attachments later in life. This is because what you learned from your formative experience of attachment was that you can’t afford to be relaxed or trusting about having your needs met.
It’s estimated that around 40% of us struggle with attachment with the main insecure attachment styles being:
- Anxious-preoccupied
- Dismissive-avoidant, and
- Fearful-avoidant.
Anxious-preoccupied
People with this style are very focussed on getting their emotional needs met, while harbouring secret doubts that they deserve love. They tend to panic if they feel their relationship is under threat because they fear that they won’t find love again. They feel anxious when separated from their partners, and are often perceived as being needy or clingy.
Dismissive-avoidant
People with this style convince themselves that they don’t need a relationship. They prefer to focus on other things, like work. They have very high standards for potential partners and don’t see the point in trying to make relationships work with people who aren’t ‘perfect’. They may be perceived as cold, judgemental and unavailable.
Fearful-avoidant
People with this style want to be in a relationship but feel unworthy of love, and suspect that others are unworthy of the love they have to offer. They find it difficult to trust anyone because they expect to be rejected or hurt. They may avoid relationships in order to protect themselves. When they are in relationships, they may avoid being open with their feelings in order to minimise the risk of conflict or rejection.
Taking action
The good news is that people with attachment issues can overcome them if they’re willing to work at it. One such person was my client Mary*, who came to see when because she didn’t understand why her relationships with men were so unsuccessful. When asked to describe her ‘relationship style’, she said she was very passive because she hoped that this would make her partners love her and prevent – or delay – them rejecting her.
This strategy wasn’t working for Mary: her submissiveness made her feel very resentful. She didn’t discuss this with her partners, however, because she feared that such a discussion would lead to conflict and, ultimately, abandonment. Instead, she withdrew, which often led to her partners themselves becoming withdrawn or aggressive. In response, Mary would withdraw even further, thus dooming her relationships – which tended to be with men with commitment or abandonment issues – to failure.
When we discussed Mary’s childhood, it was apparent why she had developed a fearful-avoidant attachment style. She was the eldest of two siblings who were left to their own devices as young children because their parents worked long hours. She was also sent to boarding school at age 12. When Mary recalled her childhood, she described feeling insecure and wondering whether she was lovable. She felt very much abandoned by her parents, and had lost her trust in people to be there for her.
In the course of therapy, I helped Mary address her diminished self-worth and lack of assertiveness using Emotion Focused Therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy [links to relevant page of website]. It was only by developing a stronger and more secure sense of self that Mary could confront her fears of conflict, rejection and abandonment.
The work I did with Mary enabled her become more rational when choosing a partner. She has since married a man she describes as her ‘soul mate’. She continues to work on her relationship skills, but is now able to communicate more effectively and raise, and resolve, conflicts.
Mary’s story is by no means unique. I meet countless clients who struggle with insecure attachment styles. There are no quick fixes for this problem, but there are things that can be done to help. Working with a psychologist is the most effective way to understand and overcome attachment issues. If that is not an option, you could try learning more about attachment theory from books such as [Leah, which book do you think is best to start with?]. Something else to consider is your choice of partner. It’s generally easier to work through attachment issues when you have a partner with a secure attachment style who models effective relationship skills.
*Any people described in this blog are either non-identifiable due to changes I’ve made to their stories to protect their anonymity, or have given permission to have their stories shared.